Sunny Days

As I listen to the rain pouring down I am reminded of all the feelings that have been raining on my parade. Sadness, frustration, hurt, jealousy, stagnant, loss, regret, overlooked, replaced -- just to name a few.

We have all felt these feelings at some point in our lives. I just happen to be feeling all of them right now. Most people have learned to come out of the rain, I tend to stay outside and get soaked. Too often my actions are dependent on how I am feeling. At least this keeps life interesting, I never know if I will be up or down.

Here are some things I am learning out here in the rain.

I can’t always control the thoughts that come or the feelings that show up uninvited, but I can always control how I act. This isn’t to say that I do, but the possibility intrigues me.

Don’t act how you feel, act how you want to feel. We must act ahead of our feelings and eventually our feelings will catch up.

Most importantly I’ve learned this, we are all struggling one way or the other. There are those that hold dearly to the hope that someday they can break free from the thoughts and feelings that hold them down. That finally they can act according to who they truly are. Until that day comes we need love, understanding and friends that will lift us up and help convince us there are sunnier days ahead.

Goodness

His character to me is a mystery. There is no fear or sense of obligation that binds Him. He is bound by what He feels. He feels the desire to do good continually.

I am bound by a lack of money, fear of consequences, probably some stupidity, and yes, a desire to be good. What if all of a sudden I was a genius, a rich genius? What would I do with all those choices? Certainly I would choose a Range Rover, but would it stop there? Not sure, that’s the scary part.

Tonight I found some hope.

As I watched Jakey drift off to sleep there was for a moment when goodness seemed not so mysterious.

Work

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the word “Work”. I’ve been able to understand it better in terms of a direction. Work is moving your life in a forward direction. Rather it be working to be a successful whatever, or even more challenging, working through the moments in the mind when the big old natural man wants couch but the itty bitty spirit says go give everything you got to your son for the next 20 minutes. Moving in a downward direction towards the couch is certainly easier. Sometimes I actually muster enough strength to move my body over to Jakey’s room and watch him play as my mind melts away with “me” things.

I think work has a lot to do with faith. People of great faith are great workers. I guess you could say faith is the ability to continue moving forward when body and mind say (mostly scream) otherwise.

It is a constant temptation for me not to work. There have been so many missed opportunities to move my life in a forward direction.

Don’t keep missing them Danny, Tomorrow is such a beautiful word.

Becoming

I find it interesting that the equation 6am + golf = no problem, where as 6am + anything not golf = impossible.

I think we humans are really good at becoming. It’s just that sometimes we are really bad at becoming the right things. Rather we like it or not we are constantly becoming. Either I am becoming a good father or just a grown man that pays the bills, comes home for dinner, and leaves again in the morning.

Humans are creatures of habit. Great humans are creatures of good habits. These great humans I speak of have no super powers, there is no advantage above for example me a lesser human, they just want to become someone greater. Now hold on, I must give me and the other lesser humans some credit. I believe that most of us want to become something greater, but not at the expense of T.V. and sloth. I could say I am being too hard on myself, but am I? I only have one chance to become the person I came down here to become.

Someday when I pass beyond the clouds will I see my reflection and recognize who I became or will I shrink in disappointment.

Life is Hard

This past week I attended the funeral of Justin Barney. At the age of 10 Justin fell out of a truck, hitting his head, causing severe brain damage. He spent the next 31 years trapped in a paralyzed body.

My aunt Gail spent the next eleven thousand plus days taking care of her boy. She was trapped in a world that she never could have imagined. No longer could she watch her boy play baseball. She couldn’t catch him sneaking into the cookie jar. She couldn’t ask him for a hug.

There are others whom I love that are trapped in this world. My sister Genny has a daughter, Annalynn, who in this life will never dance or run in the grass on a summer day.

Justin, you now walk on the clouds. Aunt Gail, few have rendered such love to a son. Annalynn, someday you will dance with the angels. Genny, may you find the light when darkness is all you can see.

Danny, you have a lot of work to do to walk amongst such company.

Dream Squasher

When did I pick up the trait of dream squashing? My daughter Kylee wants to build a fort in the back yard out of scrap wood, stones, mud and all other things messy. She was so excited. She had it all planned out exactly how she would do it. I quickly told her this would not be possible for it would make a mess and we would just be tearing it down soon. Wow, there’s a good pick me up. Go after your dreams sweetheart, but don’t do it in my back yard, and not with my scrap wood. I need someone to take a piece of that wood and hit me upside the head.

In crazy pursuit of the unattainable goal of having things that don’t matter be in perfect order, you quickly loose sight of substance. Isn’t it interesting that we can lie our heads down at night on false security that all is in order, while in reality our relationships are a mess.

I now turn my words to Kylee.

I want you to build your fort. Build it the best way you know how. Enjoy every moment of it. And when it is all done, I hope you’ll invite me in to share moments and lemonade.

I love you Kylee.

The Great Giver

Could it be that in His world amongst the singing angels there’s room for a banjo?

Why do I have so much fear that as I seek the light, I will loose who I am, and all things fun will be no more? It’s no wonder so many don’t seek. But we are seekers. We are really good at seeking out excitement and pleasure. Can you blame us?

Here’s the great lie. As we approach the light, we will become more restricted in the things we can do and experience. I’m just beginning to sense that not only does He not restrict, but if we let Him, He will increase our capacity to experience joy and pleasure in ways that before were unimaginable. I have no idea how this happens, but from time to time I catch whispers that it’s true.

He is The Great Giver. He would have us enjoy life and feel all those wonderful feelings that we are so unwilling to give up. But we must do it His way. If not, all is temporary, and the fun and excitement will sooner or later be replaced with anguish and misery.

Give me balance, that I might enjoy the good things of this life, all the while remembering Him, the one who gave us all.

Summer and Time

Tonight there’s a smell of summer in the air as well as the scent of time marching forward. Out the window I hear crickets singing their songs of summers gone by.

This evening in the summer grass, next to Jakey and my grandpa, I caught an interesting glimpse of time. What different perspectives of time we share. For Jakey time is frozen. He does not comprehend it, especially when I tell him we will go golfing in a couple of days. For me I wish too much to have it back. For my grandpa he wishes for more as he fights his battle with cancer. I vote for Jakey’s perspective. We certainly can’t bring time back, and we never know what tomorrow will bring, but tonight under the first summer sky there was me, Jakey and grandpa, and it was, for a moment, as if time stood still.

Substance

Today at lunch I went miniature golfing with my boy Jakey. I have always wanted to be a good golfer. Every time I go, I am renewed with insane optimism that today will be the day. Today will be the day when I finally have a good round. Never mind the fact that I haven’t changed anything since the last round. I’m so full of this false hope until I hit my first shot. There the ball flies in the complete opposite direction I thought I was aiming—that’s not how I didn’t practice it. Reality is cold sometimes and so is the lake where my golf ball now sits.

There are many things wonderful about golf. But at the end of the day, it is just a game. Often times at the golf course a thickness of things important sacrificed is in the air. I want to crave substance. Things that will give me joy when I finish the round of life.

May God bless me never to forget how Jakey smiled today. Tonight I end the day still an average golfer, but maybe just maybe I am one shot closer to becoming a great dad.

Shopping Carts

One of my biggest problems is that I am lazy. I find it interesting the amount of stray carts scattered about the parking lot of the grocery store. If only there was some holding area where the carts could be placed after the shoppers were done. I can’t count how many times my excitement of finding the perfect parking spot has been ruined by a shopping cart. Here’s the irony, I could get out of the car move the shopping cart, not to the mythical holding bay, but just far enough as to clear the area for my car. But to achieve this task I would have to shift the car in neutral, take the seat belt off, open the door, and move the cart. (There is a real art in getting the wheels turned just right so that the cart won’t roll. It takes roughly five times as long as it would to put the cart away properly.) Instead I find it far more rewarding to curse the person that didn’t put their cart away and I go find me a new cart-free parking spot. As I circle the parking lot looking I think of a conundrum, if the cart wasn’t put away out of shear laziness, how in the world did one muster up enough energy to walk all the way from the store to the car and load all the groceries by hand? Seems like it would have been easier to stay home and order out. But then again there’s the whole picking up the phone and dialing and stuff.

With Memorial Day fresh in my mind thoughts of those gone by still linger. I think of the greatest generation, those that built their lives on the principle of hard work. To them I stand in awe. I fear I have convenienced myself out of hard work. I must find a way to overcome the grips of laziness. I wish to stand one day next to the great ones, for only those that have learned the principle of work shall be permitted to stand in such awesome company.

Deep Waters

I often find myself in the deeps of what should have beens and what isn'ts. While swimming in these waters I am blinded from all the potential what can bes. At times I catch glimpses but lack the faith to move to higher ground.

I must learn to soak up every moment that is shared with the ones I love. It won't be long until I will find myself in the pool of days gone by. I should like to meet all those precious moments shared for in that I shall find joy. But if in that day I again find the should haves and could haves my heart will weap for chances forever lost.

Leave the falls of yesterday Danny, and partake of the living waters of today.

The Almighty Snooze Button

In a previous post I mentioned my battle of waking up early. After further thought waking up is not so bad it’s actually getting out of bed that is the killer. There I lay, 6 am, after being so rudely awakened by some random radio station. The question is racing through my head, should I get up? There is a small part of me that is saying yes get up, go get things done. But that little surge of energy is quickly squashed by the ever powerful natural man. But wait there is hope. I can appease both logic and laziness; I’ve got a snooze button. I can just put the decision off for 10 more minutes. What a great invention. I can now procrastinate with the slap of a button. Man do I know how to procrastinate. I would challenge anyone to a procrastination contest, but let’s do it tomorrow.

How many things in my life am I pushing the snooze button on? Soon life’s alarm will stop ringing. No more call to awake and arise. I will have slept in missing all the beauty of the morning. Gone will be the chance to make the most out of the day. May God give me the ears to hear the ring of the alarm and may He give me the strength to arise.

Why aren’t all psychics billionaires?

As I was driving to work the other day listening to a psychic on the radio, the question came to mind, why aren’t all psychics billionaires? If you discovered you had the ability to see into the future would you not mortgage the home, head straight for Vegas and put it all on black, unless the powers were telling you red. None the less they would tell you and you would soon be in the money. Certainly there are no signs in Vegas stating, “No psychics allowed”. Why don’t we see more psychics who are professional athletes? Certainly this would be a great advantage to know beforehand what the other team is going to do.

All this reminds me of a sign I saw in a beater car driving down the freeway which read, “Want to make $100,000 in a week working from home?” No thanks, I will slave away from home making less than a $100,000 a year. For a split second there was hope but to my previous observation, he was driving a beater. Unless this guy is driving a Ferrari I’m not listening.

I have heard it said of me that I am a father. It is true I have fathered three beautiful children. But am I a father? This question would be best asked to my children. Don’t ask them now there are still some things I’m working on. There is nothing greater that I can achieve in life than to reach status of father. Father meaning, spending time with my children because I want to see them smile and loving them to the degree of not worrying about myself but only worrying about their needs and wants. I hope that one day each one of my kids will come up to me with a warm smile and say “I love you dad”.(dad is another word for father)

We all assume titles in life. There are also titles that we are striving to achieve. May we have the wisdom to want the important ones, and may we have the courage to really be who we claim to be.

Intro

As I was thinking the other day it came to me, I’m an insane optimist. I’ve heard insanity defined as doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Well obviously why would I want to do that, this would become very frustrating. This is where the optimism comes in. Foolish optimism allows my insanity to survive. I find myself constantly saying this time will be different. This time I will succeed at whatever task I keep failing at. Nevermind I haven’t really changed my approach to the problem, the only difference is, well actually nothing is different, but that doesn’t matter it will work out this time. What great optimism.

I’ll share an example. For years now I have wanted to become a morning person. I want to wake up at the crack of dawn and accomplish things. Interestingly enough the best way to wake up early is to go to bed early. Tomorrow I would like to wake up at 6 and get a few things done. It is 11:45 in the pm as I type this post but oh well, some unforseen power within will help me get out of bed in the morning, you watch, it will happen. And my insanity continues.

I should like to take this journey of noting my thoughts and progess. Hopefully at the end I will find myself sane, safely founded in principles that cause real change in my life, and of course still optimistic for the furture.

Wow it is getting late, I better get to bed because tomorrow I am going to get up early and get a lot of things done.