Saturday, May 16, 2015

Tempus Fugit

I can't believe it's been 5 years since I last wrote. I'm not sure why I stopped I just know I want to start again. So much has happened the last 5 years and I won't attempt to sum it up in a post. Eventually the important events will come up in my mind and I will write about them.

This post goes to my Kylee. My other children that may read this don't worry your turn will come. Kylee is 16 now. And I find myself an old man. I will be 40 this year. I'm really struggling with that concept which I will write about at a later date. 40? Are you kidding me? Back to Kylee. Where did the time go? Where did my little girl go that wanted to play barbies with me and give her horsey rides? It all just slowly slipped away.

I know that I often get in the way of our relationship. You aren't little miss innocent in this equation but I will take most of the blame I'm the adult(Actually I'm just a kid in an old man's body). I get frustrated a lot. I'm the dad who gets frustrated...and I'm...sorry(name the movie?). I think it boils down to fear. Fear of me failing as a parent. Fear of you making the wrong choices. Fear of people hurting you. Fear of seeing you sad. Fear of you missing out. I should understand that fear is the absence of faith. But fear is also an indicator of how much you love something or someone. The deep love, the love you can't possibility understand at your age, that I have for you is also the root cause of my struggles as a parent.

I want to carry you on my back. Hop on Ky Ky and daddy will take you wherever you want to go. I will wade through the deepest, coldest river for you. I will walk through the darkest forest and safely see you through. I wish I could carry you on my back through it all. Through all of life's challenges. But life isn't set up that way.

Amongst my frustrations, my imperfect parenting in general, please know this. I will always love you. I will always be here for you. I will be your biggest fan. As you begin to wade the waters of life know that I know you will make it. You will figure out how to get to the other side. One day we will all be on the other side of the river where the grass is green and the sun is shinning. There will be no more fear, just peace and joy. There will be us, all of us, where time can no longer slip away.

Friday, April 9, 2010

I Want To Be More Like Jakey

In a pool full of people there was Jakey swimming around in his Spider Man suit. He wasn't worried if he looked cool for all the other kids. He didn't care what anyone else might be thinking. He was just so happy that he had his Spider Man suit so he could finally swim without sinking.

Where do we get so messed up along the way? When do we start caring so much about what others think of us? We let fear of others take away opportunities to enjoy and experience. What wisdom it is the words, "...and become as little children...".

Jakey, I hope that in my lifetime I can achieve just a small portion of the innocence that you displayed today. You truly are my Super Hero.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Across Worlds

It's hard to look at life the same these days knowing that grandpa is in a different place. More than ever I wish I could talk to him, but where he is I cannot go. For now, I can only go to places in my mind that run deep with memories of Grandpa Barney.

As I knelt down to pray last night things took on much deeper meaning. I told Heavenly Father to say hello to grandpa for me. What an amazing thought. A message sent across worlds, to my grandpa, who now walks without pain.

Perhaps in time, our now distant worlds will be allowed to cross. Perhaps, he, can send a message to me. Talk to me grandpa. Send me a message of hope, show me how beautiful our lives can really be.

Grandpa, I love you across space and time.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

A Moment Sprinkled in Time

For many years my grandpa Barney has dragged a hose around his yard trying to keep it watered. He has worked hard to keep his lawn green. He is now dying of cancer. In the last week or so we have been working on a sprinkler system for him. Knowing his departure is drawing near, we have been working hard to at least get the front sprinklers working so he can see them. Last evening we finished the front yard and it was time to show the boss. He was in the family room and too weak to walk outside, so we sat him in a chair and carried him outside on the front porch. With tears in my eyes I turned on the front sprinklers and we all stood and watched Grandpa’s face light up with joy. "Damn good job" he said. No grandpa, you’ve done a damn good job at being a man. Grandpa, I’m sorry you won’t be around to use your sprinkler system, but may you rest easy knowing your lawn is green and that we love you so much.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009


I watched two people I love dearly cry yesterday.

First was my Grandpa Barney who has terminal lung cancer. Grandpa Barney, tall, strong, full of work, lay helpless, weak, discouraged, weeping for reasons why. Yet as we left his room, his request was clear, please raise the flag in the front yard. Grandpa, I stand tall and salute you, I honor you, I reverence in your example of work. Hang on grandpa the time is drawing near when your tears of pain shall be replaced with tears of joy.

Second was my grandmother Darais. Tears left her eyes as she listened to a familiar hymn that was being played by my daughter Kylee. The melody took her to days gone by when she was a little girl listening to her grandmother play the same hymn. I have never known one stronger in the faith than my grandmother Darais. Thank you for showing me what pure is really like. May you drift off tonight to your childhood street in California where so many sweet memories await you.

We all cry for different reasons in this life. I long for the day when we shall all cry for the same reason, the reuniting of all that was lost but found again, to be enjoyed with our loved ones forever more.

Monday, September 1, 2008

Sunny Days

As I listen to the rain pouring down I am reminded of all the feelings that have been raining on my parade. Sadness, frustration, hurt, jealousy, stagnant, loss, regret, overlooked, replaced -- just to name a few.

We have all felt these feelings at some point in our lives. I just happen to be feeling all of them right now. Most people have learned to come out of the rain, I tend to stay outside and get soaked. Too often my actions are dependent on how I am feeling. At least this keeps life interesting, I never know if I will be up or down.

Here are some things I am learning out here in the rain.

I can’t always control the thoughts that come or the feelings that show up uninvited, but I can always control how I act. This isn’t to say that I do, but the possibility intrigues me.

Don’t act how you feel, act how you want to feel. We must act ahead of our feelings and eventually our feelings will catch up.

Most importantly I’ve learned this, we are all struggling one way or the other. There are those that hold dearly to the hope that someday they can break free from the thoughts and feelings that hold them down. That finally they can act according to who they truly are. Until that day comes we need love, understanding and friends that will lift us up and help convince us there are sunnier days ahead.

Monday, July 28, 2008


His character to me is a mystery. There is no fear or sense of obligation that binds Him. He is bound by what He feels. He feels the desire to do good continually.

I am bound by a lack of money, fear of consequences, probably some stupidity, and yes, a desire to be good. What if all of a sudden I was a genius, a rich genius? What would I do with all those choices? Certainly I would choose a Range Rover, but would it stop there? Not sure, that’s the scary part.

Tonight I found some hope.

As I watched Jakey drift off to sleep there was for a moment when goodness seemed not so mysterious.