A Moment Sprinkled in Time

For many years my grandpa Barney has dragged a hose around his yard trying to keep it watered. He has worked hard to keep his lawn green. He is now dying of cancer. In the last week or so we have been working on a sprinkler system for him. Knowing his departure is drawing near, we have been working hard to at least get the front sprinklers working so he can see them. Last evening we finished the front yard and it was time to show the boss. He was in the family room and too weak to walk outside, so we sat him in a chair and carried him outside on the front porch. With tears in my eyes I turned on the front sprinklers and we all stood and watched Grandpa’s face light up with joy. "Damn good job" he said. No grandpa, you’ve done a damn good job at being a man. Grandpa, I’m sorry you won’t be around to use your sprinkler system, but may you rest easy knowing your lawn is green and that we love you so much.

A DAY OF TEARS

I watched two people I love dearly cry yesterday.

First was my Grandpa Barney who has terminal lung cancer. Grandpa Barney, tall, strong, full of work, lay helpless, weak, discouraged, weeping for reasons why. Yet as we left his room, his request was clear, please raise the flag in the front yard. Grandpa, I stand tall and salute you, I honor you, I reverence in your example of work. Hang on grandpa the time is drawing near when your tears of pain shall be replaced with tears of joy.

Second was my grandmother Darais. Tears left her eyes as she listened to a familiar hymn that was being played by my daughter Kylee. The melody took her to days gone by when she was a little girl listening to her grandmother play the same hymn. I have never known one stronger in the faith than my grandmother Darais. Thank you for showing me what pure is really like. May you drift off tonight to your childhood street in California where so many sweet memories await you.

We all cry for different reasons in this life. I long for the day when we shall all cry for the same reason, the reuniting of all that was lost but found again, to be enjoyed with our loved ones forever more.

Sunny Days

As I listen to the rain pouring down I am reminded of all the feelings that have been raining on my parade. Sadness, frustration, hurt, jealousy, stagnant, loss, regret, overlooked, replaced -- just to name a few.

We have all felt these feelings at some point in our lives. I just happen to be feeling all of them right now. Most people have learned to come out of the rain, I tend to stay outside and get soaked. Too often my actions are dependent on how I am feeling. At least this keeps life interesting, I never know if I will be up or down.

Here are some things I am learning out here in the rain.

I can’t always control the thoughts that come or the feelings that show up uninvited, but I can always control how I act. This isn’t to say that I do, but the possibility intrigues me.

Don’t act how you feel, act how you want to feel. We must act ahead of our feelings and eventually our feelings will catch up.

Most importantly I’ve learned this, we are all struggling one way or the other. There are those that hold dearly to the hope that someday they can break free from the thoughts and feelings that hold them down. That finally they can act according to who they truly are. Until that day comes we need love, understanding and friends that will lift us up and help convince us there are sunnier days ahead.

Goodness

His character to me is a mystery. There is no fear or sense of obligation that binds Him. He is bound by what He feels. He feels the desire to do good continually.

I am bound by a lack of money, fear of consequences, probably some stupidity, and yes, a desire to be good. What if all of a sudden I was a genius, a rich genius? What would I do with all those choices? Certainly I would choose a Range Rover, but would it stop there? Not sure, that’s the scary part.

Tonight I found some hope.

As I watched Jakey drift off to sleep there was for a moment when goodness seemed not so mysterious.

Work

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the word “Work”. I’ve been able to understand it better in terms of a direction. Work is moving your life in a forward direction. Rather it be working to be a successful whatever, or even more challenging, working through the moments in the mind when the big old natural man wants couch but the itty bitty spirit says go give everything you got to your son for the next 20 minutes. Moving in a downward direction towards the couch is certainly easier. Sometimes I actually muster enough strength to move my body over to Jakey’s room and watch him play as my mind melts away with “me” things.

I think work has a lot to do with faith. People of great faith are great workers. I guess you could say faith is the ability to continue moving forward when body and mind say (mostly scream) otherwise.

It is a constant temptation for me not to work. There have been so many missed opportunities to move my life in a forward direction.

Don’t keep missing them Danny, Tomorrow is such a beautiful word.

Becoming

I find it interesting that the equation 6am + golf = no problem, where as 6am + anything not golf = impossible.

I think we humans are really good at becoming. It’s just that sometimes we are really bad at becoming the right things. Rather we like it or not we are constantly becoming. Either I am becoming a good father or just a grown man that pays the bills, comes home for dinner, and leaves again in the morning.

Humans are creatures of habit. Great humans are creatures of good habits. These great humans I speak of have no super powers, there is no advantage above for example me a lesser human, they just want to become someone greater. Now hold on, I must give me and the other lesser humans some credit. I believe that most of us want to become something greater, but not at the expense of T.V. and sloth. I could say I am being too hard on myself, but am I? I only have one chance to become the person I came down here to become.

Someday when I pass beyond the clouds will I see my reflection and recognize who I became or will I shrink in disappointment.

Life is Hard

This past week I attended the funeral of Justin Barney. At the age of 10 Justin fell out of a truck, hitting his head, causing severe brain damage. He spent the next 31 years trapped in a paralyzed body.

My aunt Gail spent the next eleven thousand plus days taking care of her boy. She was trapped in a world that she never could have imagined. No longer could she watch her boy play baseball. She couldn’t catch him sneaking into the cookie jar. She couldn’t ask him for a hug.

There are others whom I love that are trapped in this world. My sister Genny has a daughter, Annalynn, who in this life will never dance or run in the grass on a summer day.

Justin, you now walk on the clouds. Aunt Gail, few have rendered such love to a son. Annalynn, someday you will dance with the angels. Genny, may you find the light when darkness is all you can see.

Danny, you have a lot of work to do to walk amongst such company.