HOPE

Family Vacation

The thoughts and feelings are so different at the start of a vacation compared to the ones you have on the long drive home. The hope is that things will be magical. You have so many fun things planned. Go running on the beach with your beautiful wife (didn't even come close to happening). Spend quality time with each child. Watch the kids laugh, play and grow closer to each other. I should learn by now that things will never be like my perfect world I have created in my head. Whatever it was or it wasn't, memories were created and now they are forever mine. Like...


Carrying a breast pump through Hard Rock casino.

Putting Jo Jo's feet in the ocean for the first time.

Jake surfing and then being sick for the next 3 days.

Abby's face getting fried all except her eye lids. The only part of her face where sunscreen was applied.

Jumping over waves with Ally.

Watching the smile on Kade's face as he swam without fear in his Spiderman floaty.

Kylee sleeping on couch cushions in our room the last night.

The perfect weather. The week we are going home.


Of course there are all the memories that didn't happen. For now they stay in my head as hopes and dreams. But maybe that's how it's suppose to be. Maybe that keeps us coming back. Maybe it makes life bearable, something to look forward to. May God grant us the time to go back to the magical places where hopes and dreams can turn into memories that we can forever keep and forever cherish.

To my dear wife and children, I say I love you more than words can describe. Please know that I tried. Please know that there was so much more I wanted to give each of you. Jenette, I'm sorry I get so lost in my thoughts. Kylee, I'm sorry you are the nanny, but please know you are an angel. Abbz, I'm sorry we didn't complete your 4 things. Jake, I'm sorry sickness robbed you of catching a few more waves. Allz, I'm sorry we didn't eat at a fancy restaurant with the whole family. Kade, I'm sorry I'm not more patient, something I will work on. Fo Fo, I'm sorry I didn't dip your toes in the Pacific one more time. What I am not sorry for is that for a week we were all trapped together. Trapped in a far away place. Where life disappeared and all we had was each other. It was far from perfect but to me it was beautiful.

I am already dreaming of the time we can be together again in the warmth of the sun, watching the waves roll in, where time can stand still and for a few short moments it can just be us.

Until we meet again Carlsbad...

Josephine Denice Darais (born 7.14.17)

It was around 2 am on July 14th. Jenette said, "Something isn't right, I think I need to go to the hospital". "The baby isn't moving." I could tell Jenette was growing increasingly anxious. There were other times when the baby hadn't moved, but this time was different, something wasn't right. Jenette offered to let me stay in bed while she drove herself to the hospital to get monitored. I will forever be grateful I didn't accept that offer.

Driving to the hospital I remember thinking, man we are almost out of gas I will have to stop on the way home and get some. Boy was I clueless. I had no idea what would soon transpire.

At the hospital, they hooked Jenette up to the monitors to check baby's heartbeat...Nothing.  The only sound was Jenette's heartbeat and I could see the look of horror come across her face. As if out of nowhere a doctor showed up with an ultrasound and quickly found a baby's heartbeat. "There's a heartbeat!?!" Jenette gasped with a sigh of relief. The temporary joy was soon eclipsed by the fear on the doctor's face. There was a heartbeat, but it was the heartbeat of a baby struggling for life. Within seconds the scene went from a peace-of-mind-check-up to strangers pushing my wife out of the room as fast as they could. What the hell just happened. I'm now all alone, standing in a room without my wife.


Minutes later, 3 or 4 to be more precise, a nurse came back to the empty room, "Congratulations, Dad". It didn't seem like a congrats was in order. You just hit the door frame with my wife's hospital bed and took her away in a mad dash to the operating room. Oh, don't worry it gets better. Soon they led me to the war zone. I went into the room where they had performed a crash c-section on my wife. My dear wife was out cold on a metal table. The top half of her still covered in her street clothes. Blood was all over the floor and what seemed like 10 people or so working on stabilizing our sweet daughter. What kind of nightmare did I just walk into. I was in shock.

Two things I will never forget about that scene. First my sweet wife. There she lay completely unaware of what was happening, soon to come out of her anesthesia to be awakened to the hell I was now experiencing. Robbed of her perfect delivery. Robbed of the moment when the doctor hands Jenette our precious daughter and she holds her for the first time. I wanted this so bad to be a nightmare and Jenette could wake up. But it wasn't and seeing her on the bed, half naked, all cut up, broke my heart into a thousand pieces.

The second thing I will never forget is the first time I saw our sweet Josephine. I will never forget this moment. I know this is hard to imagine with a newborn, but the second I walked in the room she turned her head and opened her eyes and looked right at me. Through all the pain, those eyes, those amazing eyes spoke to me and told me it was ok. I know angels told her to look at me.

I would spend another hour in that room as trained angels both here and there worked on our daughter to get here stabilized and ready for transport via life flight to the NICU at Utah Valley Hospital where she would spend the next 3 weeks of her life.

So what happened? Josee had what's called a true knot in her cord. This knot at some point tightened to where it was starting to slow down blood flow. This led to a low heartbeat. Scary low. They never had to do chest compressions but she was fading fast. She came 6 weeks early.

As we sat in American Fork hospital for the next 2 days separated from our baby we were left to wonder. Is Josee going to be ok? How much stress was her body under? How long was she experiencing this horrible situation? The doctor couldn't give us much hope. He was careful. He didn't know. Later I would find out that he was very worried. She came out a very sick baby and we didn't know how or if she would bounce back.

There have been many miracles in the last few weeks but I will speak of three.


Miracle #1, Jenette. How did she know? The baby had times of not moving before. It would have been so easy for Jenette to just fall asleep and check again in a few hours for movement. But she didn't, she knew something wasn't right. She knew. She listened. Through angels unseen and babies unborn, Jenette was told to go to the hospital. "Jenette, get to the hospital". "Mommy, I'm in trouble please help me". You listened Jenette. You listened. And for that I shall be forever grateful. You truly are an amazing woman.

Miracle #2, Timing. The doctor said we only had minutes. A few more minutes and our baby would have been gone. I was one red light away from losing our daughter. But for us that night all the lights were green. All the staff at the hospital just seemed to be right there. No calling and waiting for doctors. The right people just started showing up. The timing had to be perfect. And it was perfect, we were on God's time.

Miracle #3, Healing. At first Josee was hooked up to everything. Ventilator, cords, tubes and monitors. We later found out babies that went through what she did often don't have a good outcome. What was going to be her outcome? It was the deepest darkest hell not knowing. One by one things started coming off. Josee was bouncing back. Not only was she bouncing back all her tests were coming back normal. EKG, NORMAL. Reflexes, NORMAL. Neural exam, NORMAL. Lab work, NORMAL. Brain scans, NORMAL. The surprise of the doctor clued me in to his worry he had previously so kindly tried to conceal. He couldn't believe it. She became known at the NICU as the miracle baby. And a miracle she is. Saved by the grace of God. Saved by the love of an amazing mother.


I'm not sure how many miracles I will witness in my life but as of late I have witnessed many. Josee, someday I will tell you how Mommy saved your life. I will also tell you about how God blessed your body to be completely healed. I will also tell you how you scared me so bad that you now owe it to me to be a perfect teenager. Mostly I will tell you how special you are. I'm not sure what you're to do in this life but I know it will be great. I know you will be great. In just under a month you have managed to bring us closer to God. You have reminded us that miracles can happen. You have shown us what is important in life.

 Oh how we love you baby Jo Jo.

Tempus Fugit

I can't believe it's been 5 years since I last wrote. I'm not sure why I stopped I just know I want to start again. So much has happened the last 5 years and I won't attempt to sum it up in a post. Eventually the important events will come up in my mind and I will write about them.

This post goes to my Kylee. My other children that may read this don't worry your turn will come. Kylee is 16 now. And I find myself an old man. I will be 40 this year. I'm really struggling with that concept which I will write about at a later date. 40? Are you kidding me? Back to Kylee. Where did the time go? Where did my little girl go that wanted to play barbies with me and give her horsey rides? It all just slowly slipped away.

I know that I often get in the way of our relationship. You aren't little miss innocent in this equation but I will take most of the blame I'm the adult(Actually I'm just a kid in an old man's body). I get frustrated a lot. I'm the dad who gets frustrated...and I'm...sorry(name the movie?). I think it boils down to fear. Fear of me failing as a parent. Fear of you making the wrong choices. Fear of people hurting you. Fear of seeing you sad. Fear of you missing out. I should understand that fear is the absence of faith. But fear is also an indicator of how much you love something or someone. The deep love, the love you can't possibility understand at your age, that I have for you is also the root cause of my struggles as a parent.

I want to carry you on my back. Hop on Ky Ky and daddy will take you wherever you want to go. I will wade through the deepest, coldest river for you. I will walk through the darkest forest and safely see you through. I wish I could carry you on my back through it all. Through all of life's challenges. But life isn't set up that way.

Amongst my frustrations, my imperfect parenting in general, please know this. I will always love you. I will always be here for you. I will be your biggest fan. As you begin to wade the waters of life know that I know you will make it. You will figure out how to get to the other side. One day we will all be on the other side of the river where the grass is green and the sun is shinning. There will be no more fear, just peace and joy. There will be us, all of us, where time can no longer slip away.

I Want To Be More Like Jakey

In a pool full of people there was Jakey swimming around in his Spider Man suit. He wasn't worried if he looked cool for all the other kids. He didn't care what anyone else might be thinking. He was just so happy that he had his Spider Man suit so he could finally swim without sinking.

Where do we get so messed up along the way? When do we start caring so much about what others think of us? We let fear of others take away opportunities to enjoy and experience. What wisdom it is the words, "...and become as little children...".

Jakey, I hope that in my lifetime I can achieve just a small portion of the innocence that you displayed today. You truly are my Super Hero.

Across Worlds

It's hard to look at life the same these days knowing that grandpa is in a different place. More than ever I wish I could talk to him, but where he is I cannot go. For now, I can only go to places in my mind that run deep with memories of Grandpa Barney.

As I knelt down to pray last night things took on much deeper meaning. I told Heavenly Father to say hello to grandpa for me. What an amazing thought. A message sent across worlds, to my grandpa, who now walks without pain.

Perhaps in time, our now distant worlds will be allowed to cross. Perhaps, he, can send a message to me. Talk to me grandpa. Send me a message of hope, show me how beautiful our lives can really be.

Grandpa, I love you across space and time.

A Moment Sprinkled in Time

For many years my grandpa Barney has dragged a hose around his yard trying to keep it watered. He has worked hard to keep his lawn green. He is now dying of cancer. In the last week or so we have been working on a sprinkler system for him. Knowing his departure is drawing near, we have been working hard to at least get the front sprinklers working so he can see them. Last evening we finished the front yard and it was time to show the boss. He was in the family room and too weak to walk outside, so we sat him in a chair and carried him outside on the front porch. With tears in my eyes I turned on the front sprinklers and we all stood and watched Grandpa’s face light up with joy. "Damn good job" he said. No grandpa, you’ve done a damn good job at being a man. Grandpa, I’m sorry you won’t be around to use your sprinkler system, but may you rest easy knowing your lawn is green and that we love you so much.

A DAY OF TEARS

I watched two people I love dearly cry yesterday.

First was my Grandpa Barney who has terminal lung cancer. Grandpa Barney, tall, strong, full of work, lay helpless, weak, discouraged, weeping for reasons why. Yet as we left his room, his request was clear, please raise the flag in the front yard. Grandpa, I stand tall and salute you, I honor you, I reverence in your example of work. Hang on grandpa the time is drawing near when your tears of pain shall be replaced with tears of joy.

Second was my grandmother Darais. Tears left her eyes as she listened to a familiar hymn that was being played by my daughter Kylee. The melody took her to days gone by when she was a little girl listening to her grandmother play the same hymn. I have never known one stronger in the faith than my grandmother Darais. Thank you for showing me what pure is really like. May you drift off tonight to your childhood street in California where so many sweet memories await you.

We all cry for different reasons in this life. I long for the day when we shall all cry for the same reason, the reuniting of all that was lost but found again, to be enjoyed with our loved ones forever more.

Sunny Days

As I listen to the rain pouring down I am reminded of all the feelings that have been raining on my parade. Sadness, frustration, hurt, jealousy, stagnant, loss, regret, overlooked, replaced -- just to name a few.

We have all felt these feelings at some point in our lives. I just happen to be feeling all of them right now. Most people have learned to come out of the rain, I tend to stay outside and get soaked. Too often my actions are dependent on how I am feeling. At least this keeps life interesting, I never know if I will be up or down.

Here are some things I am learning out here in the rain.

I can’t always control the thoughts that come or the feelings that show up uninvited, but I can always control how I act. This isn’t to say that I do, but the possibility intrigues me.

Don’t act how you feel, act how you want to feel. We must act ahead of our feelings and eventually our feelings will catch up.

Most importantly I’ve learned this, we are all struggling one way or the other. There are those that hold dearly to the hope that someday they can break free from the thoughts and feelings that hold them down. That finally they can act according to who they truly are. Until that day comes we need love, understanding and friends that will lift us up and help convince us there are sunnier days ahead.

Goodness

His character to me is a mystery. There is no fear or sense of obligation that binds Him. He is bound by what He feels. He feels the desire to do good continually.

I am bound by a lack of money, fear of consequences, probably some stupidity, and yes, a desire to be good. What if all of a sudden I was a genius, a rich genius? What would I do with all those choices? Certainly I would choose a Range Rover, but would it stop there? Not sure, that’s the scary part.

Tonight I found some hope.

As I watched Jakey drift off to sleep there was for a moment when goodness seemed not so mysterious.

Work

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the word “Work”. I’ve been able to understand it better in terms of a direction. Work is moving your life in a forward direction. Rather it be working to be a successful whatever, or even more challenging, working through the moments in the mind when the big old natural man wants couch but the itty bitty spirit says go give everything you got to your son for the next 20 minutes. Moving in a downward direction towards the couch is certainly easier. Sometimes I actually muster enough strength to move my body over to Jakey’s room and watch him play as my mind melts away with “me” things.

I think work has a lot to do with faith. People of great faith are great workers. I guess you could say faith is the ability to continue moving forward when body and mind say (mostly scream) otherwise.

It is a constant temptation for me not to work. There have been so many missed opportunities to move my life in a forward direction.

Don’t keep missing them Danny, Tomorrow is such a beautiful word.

Becoming

I find it interesting that the equation 6am + golf = no problem, where as 6am + anything not golf = impossible.

I think we humans are really good at becoming. It’s just that sometimes we are really bad at becoming the right things. Rather we like it or not we are constantly becoming. Either I am becoming a good father or just a grown man that pays the bills, comes home for dinner, and leaves again in the morning.

Humans are creatures of habit. Great humans are creatures of good habits. These great humans I speak of have no super powers, there is no advantage above for example me a lesser human, they just want to become someone greater. Now hold on, I must give me and the other lesser humans some credit. I believe that most of us want to become something greater, but not at the expense of T.V. and sloth. I could say I am being too hard on myself, but am I? I only have one chance to become the person I came down here to become.

Someday when I pass beyond the clouds will I see my reflection and recognize who I became or will I shrink in disappointment.

Life is Hard

This past week I attended the funeral of Justin Barney. At the age of 10 Justin fell out of a truck, hitting his head, causing severe brain damage. He spent the next 31 years trapped in a paralyzed body.

My aunt Gail spent the next eleven thousand plus days taking care of her boy. She was trapped in a world that she never could have imagined. No longer could she watch her boy play baseball. She couldn’t catch him sneaking into the cookie jar. She couldn’t ask him for a hug.

There are others whom I love that are trapped in this world. My sister Genny has a daughter, Annalynn, who in this life will never dance or run in the grass on a summer day.

Justin, you now walk on the clouds. Aunt Gail, few have rendered such love to a son. Annalynn, someday you will dance with the angels. Genny, may you find the light when darkness is all you can see.

Danny, you have a lot of work to do to walk amongst such company.

Dream Squasher

When did I pick up the trait of dream squashing? My daughter Kylee wants to build a fort in the back yard out of scrap wood, stones, mud and all other things messy. She was so excited. She had it all planned out exactly how she would do it. I quickly told her this would not be possible for it would make a mess and we would just be tearing it down soon. Wow, there’s a good pick me up. Go after your dreams sweetheart, but don’t do it in my back yard, and not with my scrap wood. I need someone to take a piece of that wood and hit me upside the head.

In crazy pursuit of the unattainable goal of having things that don’t matter be in perfect order, you quickly loose sight of substance. Isn’t it interesting that we can lie our heads down at night on false security that all is in order, while in reality our relationships are a mess.

I now turn my words to Kylee.

I want you to build your fort. Build it the best way you know how. Enjoy every moment of it. And when it is all done, I hope you’ll invite me in to share moments and lemonade.

I love you Kylee.

The Great Giver

Could it be that in His world amongst the singing angels there’s room for a banjo?

Why do I have so much fear that as I seek the light, I will loose who I am, and all things fun will be no more? It’s no wonder so many don’t seek. But we are seekers. We are really good at seeking out excitement and pleasure. Can you blame us?

Here’s the great lie. As we approach the light, we will become more restricted in the things we can do and experience. I’m just beginning to sense that not only does He not restrict, but if we let Him, He will increase our capacity to experience joy and pleasure in ways that before were unimaginable. I have no idea how this happens, but from time to time I catch whispers that it’s true.

He is The Great Giver. He would have us enjoy life and feel all those wonderful feelings that we are so unwilling to give up. But we must do it His way. If not, all is temporary, and the fun and excitement will sooner or later be replaced with anguish and misery.

Give me balance, that I might enjoy the good things of this life, all the while remembering Him, the one who gave us all.

Summer and Time

Tonight there’s a smell of summer in the air as well as the scent of time marching forward. Out the window I hear crickets singing their songs of summers gone by.

This evening in the summer grass, next to Jakey and my grandpa, I caught an interesting glimpse of time. What different perspectives of time we share. For Jakey time is frozen. He does not comprehend it, especially when I tell him we will go golfing in a couple of days. For me I wish too much to have it back. For my grandpa he wishes for more as he fights his battle with cancer. I vote for Jakey’s perspective. We certainly can’t bring time back, and we never know what tomorrow will bring, but tonight under the first summer sky there was me, Jakey and grandpa, and it was, for a moment, as if time stood still.

Substance

Today at lunch I went miniature golfing with my boy Jakey. I have always wanted to be a good golfer. Every time I go, I am renewed with insane optimism that today will be the day. Today will be the day when I finally have a good round. Never mind the fact that I haven’t changed anything since the last round. I’m so full of this false hope until I hit my first shot. There the ball flies in the complete opposite direction I thought I was aiming—that’s not how I didn’t practice it. Reality is cold sometimes and so is the lake where my golf ball now sits.

There are many things wonderful about golf. But at the end of the day, it is just a game. Often times at the golf course a thickness of things important sacrificed is in the air. I want to crave substance. Things that will give me joy when I finish the round of life.

May God bless me never to forget how Jakey smiled today. Tonight I end the day still an average golfer, but maybe just maybe I am one shot closer to becoming a great dad.

Shopping Carts

One of my biggest problems is that I am lazy. I find it interesting the amount of stray carts scattered about the parking lot of the grocery store. If only there was some holding area where the carts could be placed after the shoppers were done. I can’t count how many times my excitement of finding the perfect parking spot has been ruined by a shopping cart. Here’s the irony, I could get out of the car move the shopping cart, not to the mythical holding bay, but just far enough as to clear the area for my car. But to achieve this task I would have to shift the car in neutral, take the seat belt off, open the door, and move the cart. (There is a real art in getting the wheels turned just right so that the cart won’t roll. It takes roughly five times as long as it would to put the cart away properly.) Instead I find it far more rewarding to curse the person that didn’t put their cart away and I go find me a new cart-free parking spot. As I circle the parking lot looking I think of a conundrum, if the cart wasn’t put away out of shear laziness, how in the world did one muster up enough energy to walk all the way from the store to the car and load all the groceries by hand? Seems like it would have been easier to stay home and order out. But then again there’s the whole picking up the phone and dialing and stuff.

With Memorial Day fresh in my mind thoughts of those gone by still linger. I think of the greatest generation, those that built their lives on the principle of hard work. To them I stand in awe. I fear I have convenienced myself out of hard work. I must find a way to overcome the grips of laziness. I wish to stand one day next to the great ones, for only those that have learned the principle of work shall be permitted to stand in such awesome company.

Deep Waters

I often find myself in the deeps of what should have beens and what isn'ts. While swimming in these waters I am blinded from all the potential what can bes. At times I catch glimpses but lack the faith to move to higher ground.

I must learn to soak up every moment that is shared with the ones I love. It won't be long until I will find myself in the pool of days gone by. I should like to meet all those precious moments shared for in that I shall find joy. But if in that day I again find the should haves and could haves my heart will weap for chances forever lost.

Leave the falls of yesterday Danny, and partake of the living waters of today.

The Almighty Snooze Button

In a previous post I mentioned my battle of waking up early. After further thought waking up is not so bad it’s actually getting out of bed that is the killer. There I lay, 6 am, after being so rudely awakened by some random radio station. The question is racing through my head, should I get up? There is a small part of me that is saying yes get up, go get things done. But that little surge of energy is quickly squashed by the ever powerful natural man. But wait there is hope. I can appease both logic and laziness; I’ve got a snooze button. I can just put the decision off for 10 more minutes. What a great invention. I can now procrastinate with the slap of a button. Man do I know how to procrastinate. I would challenge anyone to a procrastination contest, but let’s do it tomorrow.

How many things in my life am I pushing the snooze button on? Soon life’s alarm will stop ringing. No more call to awake and arise. I will have slept in missing all the beauty of the morning. Gone will be the chance to make the most out of the day. May God give me the ears to hear the ring of the alarm and may He give me the strength to arise.